I want someone to tell me that I’m actually doing something right.. that they’re proud of me.
Here, I lay a part of me I can never again visit.
I really feel like I have no friends at school anymore. I really feel like a loner and I don’t know what I did wrong.. Like I’m really sensitive on the inside, and I just act like I’m happy all the time when I’m really struggling, but I always feel better when I’m with my friends but at school, I really don’t have friends that I hang out with anymore except Angela. Like I miss them but I don’t know what to do to get back in touch with them… Ugh I’m a loner. Not a great help to my self-esteem lol.
I really can’t believe this happened again. I never saw this coming, and to do that with my friend? That’s great. You know everything that happened with my ex boyfriend, so why would you literally go do exactly what he did to break my heart for the final time? I must not be good enough, I mean I know I’m not good enough because this is the second time some guy would do this to me. And you used me of course today, and told me you loved me even though I knew you didn’t. And then after you used me and we were happy and you told me you loved me, you told what you did over the weekend. Thanks, you basically told me I’m not worth anything so much so that I can probably take it if you did the exact same thing that my ex boyfriend did. I know I’m not good enough, for this to happen to me twice proves that I must not be.
On that note, that reminds me. I hate when people don’t acknowledge that I’m busy as fuck and expect me to do their shit when I didn’t sign up for it. Like the things I signed up for and why I’m busy a lot is because I want to do it, but when you put me in something that I originally didn’t want to be a part of, don’t expect me to try or even care. I have piano lessons, I have AP classes, college apps, scholarships, college workshops, leadership, meetings for like five different clubs, and I’m still trying to maintain a social life. Like excuse me, don’t make me do anything because I promise you I’ll either do it poorly, or not do it at all. Unless you’re my teacher, and older parent, or my older family, I do what I want and you don’t tell me what to do, sorry. I do my own shit because that’s what I want. If I want to help, I will, and if I don’t I dont. And just assigning me to something without asking me is fucking rude, like bitch swerve with that shit. Who do you think I am
So today, I told my brother I might just go to a party this weekend, and of course him being a great brother, totally doesnt want me to go and everything. And then I told him it’s not final, bu if I want to then I will and then I’m gonna wear my holy clothes first for church, and then slut clothes at night and he just laughed lol. Probably because he knows I would never but hey at least I tried lol.
I’m the type of person that when I’m sad or mad, I want to make bad decisions. I just never make them because I snap out of it in time, but this time, I really am the most hurt I’ve ever been in a relationship. It’s weird, like I can pass it off so well that I even fool myself. But really at the end of the day, he’s what I think about when I go to sleep and what I think about when I wake up in the morning. And because of the deep gash he left that might be invisible to others as well as myself, I want to make the worst decisions. Lets go to a party, lets go take a drink or a smoke, and it’ll all be fineeee. Maybe all this pain will go away, at least for a couple hours, and maybe then I’ll forget how much he doesnt care anymore.
P.S Sorry for the mass of depressing posts lol. I’m going through some shit rn.